


The Other Admiral

by madzilla



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-26
Updated: 2010-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 03:36:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madzilla/pseuds/madzilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janeway experiences a rare moment of self-doubt. Even if it's another Self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Other Admiral

Admiral Kathryn Janeway stood watching the ocean from her living room window, though her thoughts were a million miles away as she watched the waves ebb and flow. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear her husband enter the room, and come to stand beside her. She jumped when he laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Hello," he said, bending to kiss her cheek. "I'm done putting out the food for when everyone arrives. Having a good birthday so far?"

"Mmm," said Kathryn non-committally. Chakotay frowned. She'd been quiet and withdrawn all morning.

"What's up?" he said quietly. She hesitated before replying.

"I was thinking about the Admiral," she said eventually. "The other Admiral."

 _Ah_ , thought Chakotay. Kathryn hadn't mentioned the first Admiral Janeway – who they'd started referring to as 'the other Admiral' when Kathryn had been promoted – for a very long time, and he wondered what had suddenly put thoughts of her into his wife's head.

"I can't stop thinking about her," Kathryn said sadly, as he clasped her hands. "She was – I'm the age now that she was, you know. When she came for us."

He kissed her fingers. "Yes. That occurred to me too, recently."

Kathryn sighed. "I can't imagine what her life was like. I look back on the life we've shared, and I wonder how she-" she exhaled sharply. "She lived for such a long time without you, Chakotay."

Chakotay nodded. "We don't know what her life was like after Voyager got home," he said. "She might have met someone. She might have had children, grandchildren. We'll never know."

Kathryn shook her head. "No. She didn't. She was alone."

"How do you know?"

Kathryn shrugged. "She was me. I could tell – how lonely she was – she didn't have anyone special, anyone to share her life with." She looked at him. "Didn't you see her face when she saw you again? And Seven?"

"I did," he admitted. He didn't think he'd ever forget the expression on the Admiral's face when she'd first laid eyes on him – a terrible mixture of joy and pain. It had been brief, before the walls had gone up, but he'd seen it.

He turned his attention back to his wife, who still looked preoccupied, staring out of the window over the bay.

"Hey," he said, moving to stand behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "I know she sacrificed a great deal for us. But it was a long time ago, and – well, she doesn't exist any more. We do. She gave her life so we could have this," he said, tightening his arms around her, "and I'll always be grateful to her for that, always. But –"

"I know, I know," said Kathryn, waving a hand. "I guess it's just been weighing on my mind. Her motivations. My motivations. As I said, I'm her age now, and I wonder, sometimes…" She tailed off.

"If you'd do the same?" he murmured into her hair. She nodded.

"I wouldn't," she said quickly. "I, me, in the here and now, I wouldn't. But if I'd lived her life?" She laid her head back against his shoulder. "I've had a long time to think about it, Chakotay. Yes, she went back to bring the ship home early. Yes, she wanted to prevent the deaths of people she loved. But I wonder sometimes-" He didn't say anything, waiting for her to continue as she gathered her thoughts. "She – we – may be old, but we aren't – weren't - senile. She would have known the risk in changing the timeline like that. I know the reasons she told me, but – knowing her as I do," the corner of his mouth crooked up in a smile, "I wonder if there was more to it?" She turned in his arms, and rested her hands on his chest.

"Do you remember, a very long time ago, I told you I couldn't imagine a day without you?"

He smiled. "I do."

"Well, I had quite a few days without you, as it turned out, but we found each other again. I was lucky. She wasn't."

"Luck had nothing to do with it. We fell in love. Or rather, we finally expressed it. It had been there for a long time."

"Yes, and that only happened because your relationship with Seven ended when we got back to Earth. And why did we get back to Earth?" She looked up at him desperately. "Don't you see?"

He looked back at her incredulously. "Are you suggesting that she came back to split up me and Seven so you and I could-"

"Yes," said Kathryn miserably. "Yes, I've been thinking that. And wondering if she – I – could possibly be capable of something so selfish."

He moved a hand up to caress her white hair, and looked at her. "I don't have any answers for you, Kathryn," he said. "Except that I've known you for a long time, and you may be many things, but selfish isn't one of them. And besides, if that had been her plan, wouldn't she have come earlier?"

Kathryn hesitated. "She said – she said her timing was a bit off. I keep wondering if that was what she was trying to do."

"If it was, I suppose I should be flattered," said Chakotay, smiling, but she pulled away from him.

"How can you say that?" she said. "If that's the case, then she wiped out an entire timeline for her own benefit!"

"No, for your benefit," Chakotay gently reminded her.

"Oh, God," said Kathryn, rubbing her forehead with one hand. "Same difference. Or is it?"

"As you said, her life was very different to yours. We're all the sum of our experiences. The things that happened to her over the course of her life, the sort of life she had – all those things led to her decision to come back and save Voyager, save us. You never had that life, so your decisions would naturally be different. You haven't become her, which was probably her hope for you."

Kathryn stood digesting this for a few moments, before shaking her head. "She wanted you to be happy. You and Seven. She did everything she did so the two of you could be together, and happy." To her great surprise, Chakotay laughed.

"Well, she fulfilled her mission, then," he said. "I don't know about you," he took her hand, "but I have been incredibly happy. And Seven's had a good life. She's been happy. And, in this timeline, you've been happy too, so – looks like the Admiral knew what she was doing."

"You can't have thought that at the time, though. I remember – you were angry. And how arrogant of her! To think she could breeze in and break up you and Seven. For what it's worth, I didn't think she would. Or could. Or that I could."

"I was annoyed, yes, but not at her arrogance," he said. "I was annoyed because – I felt like she was interfering. I don't know, I wasn't very happy with you at the time, Kathryn, and here was another you, sticking her oar in." He smiled. "But we've talked about this many times before. Seven and I didn't work out, and we weren't meant to." He hugged her. "I was meant to be with you."

"In this timeline."

"Which, conveniently, is exactly where we are," he said, swaying her gently. Her face cracked into a smile.

"Indeed," sighed Kathryn, suddenly feeling very tired. "After all these years of trying to understand it, these temporal gymnastics are still giving me a headache. Honestly. Why would I do this to myself?" She grinned now, the smile lighting up her face, and Chakotay kissed her.

"Go on," he said, tapping her on the backside. "Go and get ready. The family'll be here soon."

Walking into their bedroom, she sat in front of her dresser and looked at herself in the mirror. She tried to remember the Admiral's face, which was foggy in the long-ago of her memories, but she could recall a loneliness and emptiness which, she thought with relief, she couldn't see in her own face. She reached up a finger to touch the creases at the sides of her eyes – Chakotay had told their grandson they were "just marks to show where the smiles had been" when he had commented on them, and at the time she had scoffed. She smiled now at the memory, reaching to pick up a brush and smooth her hair, before retouching her lipstick. As she sat staring thoughtfully at her reflection, Chakotay appeared beside her.

"Ready?" he said. She nodded, and he offered her a hand. He turned to leave the bedroom, but she stopped him and moved to embrace him; one more private moment before their friends and family arrived.

"I think you're wrong," she said softly. "I think there was a great deal of luck involved." She looked up at him. "When I think of her, I feel very lucky indeed." He put his arms around her.

"It was a shock, seeing her," he said. "To see you, suddenly so much older. It was a bit unnerving. But – I still thought she was beautiful." Kathryn opened her mouth in disbelieving protest, but he shushed her.

"No, I did," he said. "I thought she was very elegant – she had a presence, an aura of something. I found her very compelling."

"I thought she was an old battleaxe," muttered Kathryn. Chakotay laughed.

"Well, that too," he said.

"Am I an old battleaxe?"

"Sometimes."

She huffed in mock outrage and hit him on the arm.

"But you're _my_ old battleaxe," he said, gripping her waist.

"Oh, stop," she said, moving out of his grasp, but grinning. "Come on, our guests will be arriving soon, and I don't know about you, but I want a glass of wine before they get here. You want one?"

She headed for the kitchen. Chakotay fondly watched her go, her colourful scarf trailing behind her.

"Of course," he said, following his wife into the corridor as the doorbell rang.


End file.
